Not wanting to be Biggie Sized

So for the past 14 years I have been known as Biggie.  Well I want to change why I am called Biggie.  At the time it was given to me was because I love Wendy’s Biggie Fries, at the time I was not big.  (mentally I always thought I was Big).  Well a few Biggie Fries later and a whole bunch of food.  I became BIGGIE.

I have tried many things.  Joining a contest and losing 35 lbs in 6 weeks.  I have tired Atkins, you name it I tried it.

 As you may have read I have had a major loss and it has added to my stress and my eating. 

Well I have started on The Plan.  No need to know what The Plan is but I have been eating well.  Eating more fruits and veggies and opening my eyes on what food to eat and portion control.  I hope to let you know how my days ahead go. 

Pain inside

Today is a day that I feel horrible inside.  I just want to cry.  I have this pain inside of me today. I miss her so much.  On the 26th she was suppose to be born.  She would have been 3 months old and 2 days if she would have lived.

I miss my baby girl.  It is funny when I feel like we are making strides, we go backwards.  Just like the NICU.  The rollercoaster of life.

As much as I loved seeing my godchild this weekend.  I will forever think of him and his cousin Sophia as the cousins who never got to meet there cousin Gabriella.

It breaks my heart.  As much pain as I am in.  I know Kristen is in so much pain.

I love her and wish I could help her.

Something big we did last night

We did something big last night.  We went back to the NICU.  We saw Liz, Lisa, and Karen and brought pizza to the NICU nurses and brought our thank you cards to them.  It was a BIG step for us.  The smell came right back.  Seeing those doors.  At first I was shaking before going in.  I am glad we did it.  We will have many more bridges to cross.  I am glad we did it together.  Thank God for giving us the strength. 

I told Kristen last night that when we go see our family it will be like taking a band-aid off.  You know it is going to hurt, but you need to take it off and do it. I know we will cry and it will be difficult.  We need to do it.  I think it is part of the healing process.  The 1st time will be difficult, but maybe the 2nd time won’t.  we cannot go living life avoiding the pains that might help us heal. God will be with us and we will be together walking through this.

Life

So I noticed I am doing a lot of little things I have always wanted to do, but never did.

I am trying to make Kirks Jerks bigger and better! I am trying to see if I can bring back a T-shirt I 1st designed that led me to opening a business.  I am going to help to start up a site for the people that have gone through the H.E.A.L program. 

I am being more of a do-er then a talker/thinker.  I guess that is good.  We shall see what this new attitude brings me to.

HEAL

So we did HEAL last night.  It was good, it was gender night.  So we got a better understanding of what each of us is thinking.  explains how men and woman mourn and grieve differently.  It was really good for us.  Bonus was we left @ 9pm.  So we were able to watch some TV and check email before bed.
I think this group is helping me.  I am glad we are going.

How much time is needs to pass for pain to go away?

How much time is needs to pass for pain to go away?

It has been tough having the good and bad days, never know what day you will have or bring.  The fact that your perception and outlook of life has changed.  Our innocence is gone.

Think about this..  When you broke up with someone that you really cared and loved. It would take months for you to finally get over them.  Ok now think about something/someone you love more then anything. Multiply it by 1000 since it is your child.  Now how long do you think it will take for your pain to go away.

I know that I will always have that pain and that piece of my heart will forever be with her.  “And time heals all wounds”.  But when the pain is so much-  You can never think there will be enough time to heal those wounds and that pain. 

Besides how much time is needed to heal those wounds.

Working Out

Been working out the past few days.  We bought an eliptical trainer and we have made it a point to work out at least 20 minutes a day.  I figure we will build ourselves up and do it for longer then 20 minutes the more we work out.

We plan to do it everyday.  It feels good getting off your ass and doing something.  It is also nice to not have an excuse.  It is in your house.

I pray that it will help us to lose weight and help us mentally.

Your fat… you should lose some weight

Ok  I am a big guy- The name biggie probably gave it away.  Today I get a call from my grandfather.  He has been affected by me and the loss my wife and I are enduring.

So I am on the phone with him and he says “hey u working out?, Are you losing weight?, You know you should lose about 100 lbs.”

Wow, it like saying thanks Captain Obvious!  Do you think I like being fat!  I am trying to lose weight.  Sh!t man!  That is like saying hey you are getting bald, you should get some hair. 

Yeah I do look in a mirror.  Thanks for the breaking news.

Of course I know that he is thinking of me and cares about me.  However he does not know a way of saying it in a way where it does not piss me off!

I know I am fat and I am the first to joke about it.  It is the way you say it.  That and the truth hurts!  SO it really bothered me tonight.

NO AC

Man it sucks to not have A/C.  We got back from our HEAL group and when we got home it was HOT!  I check and could hear the fan outside, but no cold air.  Thank goodness for the box fans we have.  Jupi (our bulldog) had one in the living room and Kristen and I each got one in the bedroom.  It was still warm, with the ceiling fan and 2 box fans. Can you say new airconditioner and No trip to NYC in October!

The “thank you” hand motion

You know when you let someone pass or let someone in when you are
driving and you get that little hand motion.  The “Thank You” hand motion.
It makes you feel good and it lets you know that they appreciate you
letting them in, since you really did not have to.  Well why is it so hard
for some people to do that stupid hand motion.  All it is, is a Palm up
saying Thanks!

What’s it like?

Gabi, what’s it like in heaven?  Can you see us? Are you playing all
day? How accessible is Jesus up there? Can you hear us when we pray or
talk to you out loud? Can you feel the love we have for you? Have you met
all the family and friends we have in heaven?  We love you Gabi!

HEAL

Today we begin with the HEAL process.  HEAL is a group at Florida
Hospital that helps you during the loss of a loved one.
I am excited and nervous.  Excited because I want to begin to heal. 
Nervous because of what is going to come out of me.  I know I am
suppressing a lot of feelings.  I hope that going to these group sessions I can
begin to release my grief and I can begin to heal.

Ease Dropping

I have a problem.  I like to ease drop.  I am horrible at doing this. 
I ease drop and love to people watch. It is bad because my wife and I
will go to a restaurant and I will be having a conversation with her,
half listen to her and at the same time trying to listen to someone else
conversation. She knows I am doing it.

Cell Phones

Does everyone have to use the same ring-tone.  You know the generic
ring-tone that comes with every Nokia phone. It just goes on and on!

While I’m the topic of cell phones.  What is so hard with putting a
phone on Silent/vibrate while in a movie?  They have signs outside of
theaters, during the previews to shut it off.  Heck a whole bunch of cell
phones light up cause some people are doing it.  Why aren’t you?  Be
courteous

“I have great news…. “

Amazing how 4 words SUCK!  So far I have heard this phrase a few times
and every-time they are not great news for me. 

In this short time, I have learned a lot from Gabi’s death; one is
thinking more before I speak.  I realize that sometimes what is great news
for me, might trigger bad feeling for others.  Or what you think is
great news is not.  Like telling someone your pregnant, after they just
lost a child.  That is like a kick in the nuts! 

Yes it is great news and I am happy for them, but guess what? This is
not the time to tell me this. At least understand that I cannot
celebrate with your happiness since I am still dealing with loss of my child. 

The last thing I want is for me to see or hear about a child.  I am
amazed on how parents who have more then 1 child deal with the loss of one
of them.  Every-time you see your other child it will remind you of that
pain. 

It will only get harder for us, since so many people we know are
pregnant and the moment will come and they will have baby showers, babies
will be born. 

This is going to get tougher before it gets easier.