So for the past 14 years I have been known as Biggie.  Well I want to change why I am called Biggie.  At the time it was given to me was because I love Wendy’s Biggie Fries, at the time I was not big.  (mentally I always thought I was Big).  Well a few Biggie Fries later and a whole bunch of food.  I became BIGGIE.

I have tried many things.  Joining a contest and losing 35 lbs in 6 weeks.  I have tired Atkins, you name it I tried it.

 As you may have read I have had a major loss and it has added to my stress and my eating. 

Well I have started on The Plan.  No need to know what The Plan is but I have been eating well.  Eating more fruits and veggies and opening my eyes on what food to eat and portion control.  I hope to let you know how my days ahead go. 

Pain inside

August 21, 2006

Today is a day that I feel horrible inside.  I just want to cry.  I have this pain inside of me today. I miss her so much.  On the 26th she was suppose to be born.  She would have been 3 months old and 2 days if she would have lived.

I miss my baby girl.  It is funny when I feel like we are making strides, we go backwards.  Just like the NICU.  The rollercoaster of life.

As much as I loved seeing my godchild this weekend.  I will forever think of him and his cousin Sophia as the cousins who never got to meet there cousin Gabriella.

It breaks my heart.  As much pain as I am in.  I know Kristen is in so much pain.

I love her and wish I could help her.

We did something big last night.  We went back to the NICU.  We saw Liz, Lisa, and Karen and brought pizza to the NICU nurses and brought our thank you cards to them.  It was a BIG step for us.  The smell came right back.  Seeing those doors.  At first I was shaking before going in.  I am glad we did it.  We will have many more bridges to cross.  I am glad we did it together.  Thank God for giving us the strength. 

I told Kristen last night that when we go see our family it will be like taking a band-aid off.  You know it is going to hurt, but you need to take it off and do it. I know we will cry and it will be difficult.  We need to do it.  I think it is part of the healing process.  The 1st time will be difficult, but maybe the 2nd time won’t.  we cannot go living life avoiding the pains that might help us heal. God will be with us and we will be together walking through this.

Life

August 2, 2006

So I noticed I am doing a lot of little things I have always wanted to do, but never did.

I am trying to make Kirks Jerks bigger and better! I am trying to see if I can bring back a T-shirt I 1st designed that led me to opening a business.  I am going to help to start up a site for the people that have gone through the H.E.A.L program. 

I am being more of a do-er then a talker/thinker.  I guess that is good.  We shall see what this new attitude brings me to.

HEAL

July 28, 2006

So we did HEAL last night.  It was good, it was gender night.  So we got a better understanding of what each of us is thinking.  explains how men and woman mourn and grieve differently.  It was really good for us.  Bonus was we left @ 9pm.  So we were able to watch some TV and check email before bed.
I think this group is helping me.  I am glad we are going.

How much time is needs to pass for pain to go away?

It has been tough having the good and bad days, never know what day you will have or bring.  The fact that your perception and outlook of life has changed.  Our innocence is gone.

Think about this..  When you broke up with someone that you really cared and loved. It would take months for you to finally get over them.  Ok now think about something/someone you love more then anything. Multiply it by 1000 since it is your child.  Now how long do you think it will take for your pain to go away.

I know that I will always have that pain and that piece of my heart will forever be with her.  “And time heals all wounds”.  But when the pain is so much-  You can never think there will be enough time to heal those wounds and that pain. 

Besides how much time is needed to heal those wounds.

Working Out

July 26, 2006

Been working out the past few days.  We bought an eliptical trainer and we have made it a point to work out at least 20 minutes a day.  I figure we will build ourselves up and do it for longer then 20 minutes the more we work out.

We plan to do it everyday.  It feels good getting off your ass and doing something.  It is also nice to not have an excuse.  It is in your house.

I pray that it will help us to lose weight and help us mentally.

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